youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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