So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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