Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
