he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
