anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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