omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
