I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't turn off my feet"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
