I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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