i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
