i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did I show you my penis last night?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He has the fingertips of a God
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
