Pappa wants mamma naked
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize