ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
