Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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