I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
