So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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