I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
