How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
