Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
