seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
