$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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