NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think I won the penis lottery.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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