You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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