In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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