i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
