Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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