I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
