I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize