waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
