I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
