worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
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