So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
