so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
