If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
