Your face is a jimmy john
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
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