i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
