your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
