I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
