my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
