He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
