Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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