My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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