DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's rum buckets o'clock
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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