I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
