It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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