i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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