Plan B is the new Plan A
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
