I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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