Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
