I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
