Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize