we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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