if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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