how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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