So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We got so high we made milksteak
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
